9 Qualities Of Truly Confident People

First things first: Confidence is not bravado, or swagger, or an overt pretense of bravery. Confidence is not some bold or brash air of self-belief directed at others.

Confidence is quiet: It’s a natural expression of ability, expertise, and self-regard.

I’m fortunate to know a number of truly confident people. Many work with me at HubSpot, others are fellow founders of their own startups some of whom I've met through my angel investment activity. But the majority are people I’ve met through my career and who work in a variety of industries and professions.

It comes as no surprise they all share a number of qualities:

1. They take a stand not because they think they are always right… but because they are not afraid to be wrong.

Cocky and conceited people tend to take a position and then proclaim, bluster, and totally disregard differing opinions or points of view. They know they’re right – and they want (actually they need) you to know it too.

Their behavior isn’t a sign of confidence, though; it’s the hallmark of an intellectual bully.

Truly confident people don’t mind being proven wrong. They feel finding out what is right is a lot more important than being right. And when they’re wrong, they’re secure enough to back down graciously.

Truly confident people often admit they’re wrong or don’t have all the answers; intellectual bullies never do.

2. They listen ten times more than they speak.

Bragging is a mask for insecurity. Truly confident people are quiet and unassuming. They already know what they think; they want to know what you think.

So they ask open-ended questions that give other people the freedom to be thoughtful and introspective: They ask what you do, how you do it, what you like about it, what you learned from it… and what they should do if they find themselves in a similar situation.

Truly confident people realize they know a lot, but they wish they knew more… and they know the only way to learn more is to listen more.

3. They duck the spotlight so it shines on others.

Perhaps it’s true they did the bulk of the work. Perhaps they really did overcome the major obstacles. Perhaps it’s true they turned a collection of disparate individuals into an incredibly high performance team.

Truly confident people don’t care – at least they don’t show it. (Inside they’re proud, as well they should be.) Truly confident people don’t need the glory; they know what they’ve achieved.

They don’t need the validation of others, because true validation comes from within.

So they stand back and celebrate their accomplishments through others. They stand back and let others shine – a confidence boost that helps those people become truly confident, too.

4. They freely ask for help.

Many people feel asking for help is a sign of weakness; implicit in the request is a lack of knowledge, skill, or experience.

Confident people are secure enough to admit a weakness. So they often ask others for help, not only because they are secure enough to admit they need help but also because they know that when they seek help they pay the person they ask a huge compliment.

Saying, “Can you help me?” shows tremendous respect for that individual’s expertise and judgment. Otherwise you wouldn't ask.

5. They think, “Why not me?”

Many people feel they have to wait: To be promoted, to be hired, to be selected, to be chosen... like the old Hollywood cliché, to somehow be discovered.

Truly confident people know that access is almost universal. They can connect with almost anyone through social media. (Everyone you know knows someone you should know.) They know they can attract their own funding, create their own products, build their own relationships and networks, choose their own path – they can choose to follow whatever course they wish.

And very quietly, without calling attention to themselves, they go out and do it.

6. They don't put down other people.

Generally speaking, the people who like to gossip, who like to speak badly of others, do so because they hope by comparison to make themselves look better.

The only comparison a truly confident person makes is to the person she was yesterday – and to the person she hopes to someday become.

7. They aren’t afraid to look silly…

Running around in your underwear is certainly taking it to extremes… but when you’re truly confident, you don’t mind occasionally being in a situation where you aren't at your best.

(And oddly enough, people tend to respect you more when you do – not less.)

8. … And they own their mistakes.

Insecurity tends to breed artificiality; confidence breeds sincerity and honesty.

That’s why truly confident people admit their mistakes. They dine out on their screw-ups. They don’t mind serving as a cautionary tale. They don’t mind being a source of laughter – for others and for themselves.

When you’re truly confident, you don’t mind occasionally “looking bad.” You realize that that when you’re genuine and unpretentious, people don’t laugh at you.

They laugh with you.

9. They only seek approval from the people who really matter.

You say you have 10k Twitter followers? Swell. 20k Facebook friends? Cool. A professional and social network of hundreds or even thousands? That’s great.

But that also pales in comparison to earning the trust and respect of the few people in your life that truly matter.

When we earn their trust and respect, no matter where we go or what we try, we do it with true confidence – because we know the people who truly matter the most are truly behind us.

The 15 Biggest Body Language Mistakes To Watch Out For

Until we get to know someone, our brain relies on snap judgements to try to categorize the person, predict what they will do, and anticipate how we should react. You may have heard that you only have a few seconds to make a first impression, but the truth is, your brain has made up its mind (so to speak) about a person within milliseconds of meeting them.

According to research done by a Princeton University psychologist, it’s an evolutionary survival mechanism. Your brain decides from the information it has—in other words, how you look—whether you are trustworthy, threatening, competent, likeable and many other traits.

One way we can “hack” this split-second judgement is to be aware of our body language, especially in important situations. Whether you’re applying for a job, asking for a raise, or meeting with a new client, tweaking or just being mindful of our body language can influence the other person’s perception of us and the outcome of the situation.

15 Body language blunders to watch out for:

1. Leaning Back too much — you come off lazy or arrogant.
2. Leaning forward — can seem aggressive. Aim for a neutral posture.
3. Breaking eye contact too soon — can make you seem untrustworthy or overly nervous. Hold eye contact a hair longer, especially during a handshake.
4. Nodding too much — can make you look like a bobble head doll! Even if you agree with what’s being said, nod once and then try to remain still.
5. Chopping or pointing with your hands — feels aggressive.
6. Crossing your arms — makes you look defensive, especially when you’re answering questions. Try to keep your arms at your sides.
7. Fidgeting — instantly telegraphs how nervous you are. Avoid it at all costs.
8. Holding your hands behind your back (or firmly in your pockets) — can look rigid and stiff. Aim for a natural, hands at your sides posture.
9. Looking up or looking around — is a natural cue that someone is lying or not being themselves. Try to hold steady eye contact.
10. Staring — can be interpreted as aggressive. There’s a fine line between holding someone’s gaze and staring them down.
11. Failing to smile — can make people uncomfortable, and wonder if you really want to be there. Go for a genuine smile especially when meeting someone for the first time.
12. Stepping back when you’re asking for a decision — conveys fear or uncertainty. Stand your ground, or even take a slight step forward with conviction.
13. Steepling your fingers or holding palms up — looks like a begging position and conveys weakness.
14. Standing with hands on hips — is an aggressive posture, like a bird or a dog puffing themselves up to look bigger.
15. Checking your phone or watch — says you want to be somewhere else. Plus, it’s just bad manners.

So, what should you do? Aim for good posture in a neutral position, whether sitting or standing. Stand with your arms at your sides, and sit with them at your sides or with your hands in your lap. Pay attention so that you naturally hold eye contact, smile, and be yourself.

If you discover you have a particular problem with one or two of the gestures on the list, practice by yourself with a mirror or with a friend who can remind you every time you do it, until you become aware of the bad habit yourself.

Can you recall a time someone’s body language made you uncomfortable? Are there any other body language blunders you would add? I’d love to hear your anecdotes and ideas in the comments below.

The Perfect Job Interview In 6 Simple Steps

When interviewing for a new position, we want to do everything possible to ensure it goes well. Breath mints? Check. Resumes? Check. Firm handshake? Check.

But a great job interview starts days before you ever arrive at the office. Follow these simple steps to prepare yourself to have your best job interview ever:

1. Research the company

Make sure you know as much as possible about the company before you go into any interview. Start with the company’s website and read their mission statement, goals, and values and think about how those apply to the position you’re applying for. What key words could you use during the interview that would resonate? Look at any news or press pages to see what’s news and noteworthy for the company recently, and use that information to form intelligent questions to ask. You can also check LinkedIn for any connections you may have within the company who might be able to put in a good word or advise you. Finally, you can usually get a feel for the company culture from their website, which can influence how you dress.

2. Research the job

Once you’ve got the interview, make absolutely sure you know everything you can about the position and what the job is all about. This kind of research can help you pinpoint places your skills and personality will set you apart from the crowd. Carefully reread the qualifications in the job listing and think about how your experience fits in. Understanding what the average salary range for the position is can help with that dreaded question, “What kind of salary are you looking for?”

3. Prepare answers that highlight your skills and experience

This question can have many forms, but being able to demonstrate with your answers and anecdotes that you understand the key skills, expertise and experience required for the job and that you possess them will go a very long way to a winning interview.

4. Prepare answers that show your enthusiasm and interest

Often, when recruiters are faced with choosing between equally qualified candidates, the candidate who exhibited the most enthusiasm and interest in the job will win out. A perfect way to do this is to think about how your personal goals and ambitions tie into the success of the company.

5. Prepare answers that show how you will fit in with the company culture

Because you did your research in step 1, you will understand something about the company culture and be able to demonstrate how you will fit in. For example, if you know the company has strong ties with charity or values of giving back, you could mention your own volunteer work during the interview. When you get asked seemingly random questions like, “If you were an animal, what kind of animal would you be?” think about your answer in terms of the kind of animal the company needs or wants.

6. Plan your journey so you arrive stress free and on time

The stress of unexpected traffic, getting lost, and other delays can derail an otherwise promising interview, so take steps to ensure that you don’t have to stress. Prepare your outfit the night before to look for rips, stains, the right shoes, etc. Print extra copies of your resume ahead of time. Research your route to the interview, and practice it if you have time to account for any map errors. Check the traffic early and have alternate routes in mind. And give yourself some extra time; even if you arrive early and end up sitting in your car or the lobby for a few minutes, you will be less stressed than if you arrive late.

It may seem like common sense, but taking the time to do your research, prepare your answers, and plan your journey will have a huge impact on how well you perform at your next interview.

I hope these six simple steps make sense? Do you have any successful tips for great job interviews that you would add to this list? As always, I would love to hear about your ideas and thoughts in the comments below.

Stop Using These 16 Terms to Describe Yourself

Picture this. You meet someone new. "What do you do?" she asks.

"I'm an architect," you say.

"Oh, really?" she answers. "Have you designed any buildings I've seen?"

"Possibly," you reply. "We did the new student center at the university..."

"Oh wow," she says. "That's a beautiful building..."

Without trying -- without blowing your own horn -- you've made a great impression.

Now picture this. You meet someone new. "What do you do?" he asks.

"I'm a passionate, innovative, dynamic provider of architectural services with a collaborative approach to creating and delivering outstanding world-class client and user experiences."

All righty then.

Do you describe yourself differently – on your website, promotional materials, or especially on social media – than you do in person? Do you use cheesy clichés and overblown superlatives and breathless adjectives?

Do you write things about yourself you would never have the nerve to actually say?

Here are some words that are great when other people use them to describe you – but you should never use to describe yourself:

1. "Innovative." Most companies claim to be innovative. Most people claim to be innovative. Most are, however, not. (I'm definitely not.) That's okay, because innovation isn't a requirement for success.

If you are innovative, don't say it. Prove it. Describe the products you've developed. Describe the processes you've modified.

Give us something real so your innovation is unspoken but evident... which is always the best kind of innovative to be.

2. "World-class." Usain Bolt: world-class sprinter, Olympic medals to prove it. Lionel Messi: world-class soccer (I know, football) player, four Ballon d'Or trophies to prove it.

But what is a world-class professional or company? Who defines world-class? In your case, probably just you.

3. "Authority." Like Margaret Thatcher said, "Power is like being a lady; if you have to say you are, you aren't." Show your expertise instead.

"Presented at TEDxEast " or "Predicted 50 out of 50 states in 2012 election" (Hi Nate!) indicates a level of authority. Unless you can prove it, "social media marketing authority" might simply mean you spend way too much time worrying about your Klout score.

4. "Results oriented." Really? Some people actually focus on doing what they are paid to do? We had no idea.

5. "Global provider." The majority of businesses can sell goods or services worldwide; the ones that can't are fairly obvious.

Only use "global provider" if that capability is not assumed or obvious; otherwise you just sound like a small company trying to appear big.

6. "Motivated." Check out Chris Rock's response (not safe for work or the politically correct) to people who say they take care of their kids. Then substitute words like "motivated."

Never take credit for things you are supposed to do – or supposed to be.

7. "Creative." See particular words often enough and they no longer make an impact. "Creative" is one of them. (Use finding "creative" references in random LinkedIn profiles as a drinking game and everyone will lose -- or win, depending on your perspective.)

"Creative" is just one example. Others include extensive, effective, proven, influential, team player... some of those terms may truly describe you, but since they are also being used to describe everyone they've lost their impact.

8. "Dynamic." If you are "vigorously active and forceful," um, stay away.

9. "Guru." People who try to be clever for the sake of being clever are anything but. (Like in #8.) Don't be a self-proclaimed ninja, sage, connoisseur, guerilla, wonk, egghead... it's awesome when your customers affectionately describe you that way.

Refer to yourself that way and it's obvious you're trying way too hard to impress other people – or yourself.

10. "Curator." Museums have curators. Libraries have curators. Tweeting links to stuff you find interesting doesn't make you a curator... or an authority or a guru.

11. "Passionate." I know many people disagree, but if you say you're incredibly passionate about, oh, incorporating elegant design aesthetics into everyday objects, to me you sound over the top.

The same is true if you're passionate about developing long-term customer solutions. Try the words focus, concentration, or specialization instead.

Or try "love," as in, "I love incorporating an elegant design aesthetic in everyday objects." For whatever reason, that works for me. Passion doesn't. (But maybe that's just me.)

12. "Unique." Fingerprints are unique. Snowflakes are unique. You are unique – but your business probably isn't. That’s fine, because customers don't care about unique; they care about "better."

Show you're better than the competition and in the minds of your customers you will be unique.

13. "Incredibly..." Check out some random bios and you'll find plenty of further-modified descriptors: "Incredibly passionate," "profoundly insightful," "extremely captivating..." isn't it enough to be insightful or captivating? Do you have to be profoundly insightful?

If you must use over-the-top adjectives, spare us the further modification. Trust that we already get it.

14. "Serial entrepreneur." A few people start multiple, successful, long-term businesses. They are successful serial entrepreneurs.

The rest of us start one business that fails or does okay, try something else, try something else, and keep on rinsing and repeating until we find a formula that works. Those people are entrepreneurs. Be proud if you're "just" an entrepreneur. You should be.

15. "Strategist." I sometimes help manufacturing plants improve productivity and quality. There are strategies I use to identify areas for improvement but I'm in no way a strategist. Strategists look at the present, envision something new, and develop approaches to make their vision a reality.

I don't create something new; I apply my experience and a few proven methodologies to make improvements.

Very few people are strategists. Most "strategists" are actually coaches, specialists, or consultants who use what they know to help others. 99% of the time that's what customers need – they don't need or even want a strategist.

16. "Collaborative." You won't just decide what's right for me and force me to buy it?

If your process is designed to take my input and feedback, tell me how that works. Describe the process. Don't claim we'll work together -- describe how we'll work together.

That’s my list -- clearly subjective and definitely open to criticism.

Do you really own the device you purchased?

Sounds confusing right?

Let's take a simple scenario – you purchase a smart phone, un-box it and powered up, initial boot completes, you enter your email and device is ready for use. Now you stand staring at home screen of new device swiping left and right, let's touch app drawer icon and it there goes... lots of apps pre-installed for your convenience.

You start exploring these convenience apps one by one, accepting complicated “terms of use” where needed and after playing around a while you realize that most of these pre-installed apps are absolutely unnecessary and proceed to delete them.

What happens next? The result:

To make story short, pre-installed convenience apps (called 'bloatware') cannot be deleted from a device that you thought you owned. Why? Because a corporate seeking ROI thinks these apps are best for you regardless of your opinion.

Story does not end here, let's think about:

• Any idea how these companies use your personal information/data? No
• Any idea what access privileges bloatware enjoy that you have to live with? No
• Any guess why terms of use have to be so tricky and lengthy? No

Lets take a step further and look at desktop PCs and laptops. Does it not seem like every manufacturer is telling us that we have been living a wrong and unproductive life? And its only them to tell us “best thing for you” as if we are morons having no idea about choice.

Now are you getting what I mean by “owning the device you purchased”? Let's look into breaking free.

'Own' a device

This part may sound too difficult (for some may be) but not at all – it is only a matter of willingness and exploring a few web pages to get going.

Smart phone devices

• Rooting the device: Rooting (or gaining super user access) gives you absolute authority over the device bringing everything at your disposal. Be it removing bloatware or installing apps requiring root access such as an app to manage device's storage the way you want, for example. Files needed for rooting each device vary by make and model but procedure conceptually remains same.

• Custom ROMs: At the end of day, every device has a processor meaning every device has to have an operating system – the same goes with smart phones. Fun and most adventurous part begins when you break free from bloatware loaded stock ROM shipped by manufacturer to install custom ROM of your choice, developed and maintained by faithful community of developers. Custom ROMs come with many features including new and creative user experiences, access to hidden features, improved battery life and best of all giving you an opportunity to do the device 'your way'.

• Firewalls: If you still feel need for full control on apps sending and receiving data, you can install firewalls to allow or restrict apps access. This makes sure nothing happens without your explicit permission.

Laptop and desktop PCs

It's all about Windows: No it's not, it just gets shipped with most of new personal computers sold without consumers' choice to have it pre-installed or not.

Unless you are not running a special purpose software that largely requires Windows platform, world is open and free to experiment with Linux. Wine (a Linux compatibility layer for Windows programs) runs most of Windows programs and games successfully on Linux.

Let's see this way, if you are into elegant and beautiful looking personal desktop then rest assured you have not seen anything yet. If it is about security and proven stability than Windows is not even coming close to it.

Linux world is full of options – as a starter you may be interested in exploring Solydkx or Zorin or Ubuntuand after gaining some experience may consider advanced (and my favorite) Manjaro and Antergos Linux (or even most elite Arch Linux) distributions to have complete choice about building your own desktop from bare bones OS.

You can play around safely in Linux using LiveCDs or installing on virtual PCs as both of the methods are non-destructive of your current setup.

What is gained or lost?

Be it rooting and installing custom ROMs on smart phones or installing Linux on your PC – every tool and software is open source, community driven and totally free. The process of experimenting with software gives you good knowledge about devices and not to mention yet again, the way you want your device to be. This at times saves unnecessary hardware upgrade costs, software licensing costs including fun of rejuvenating old devices using simple tools available at our disposal.

Believe me, the day you experiment with your device it will be a life long different vision of how you see your devices.

In the end, its all about freedom of choice not just the freedom of buying certain piece of hardware to have a signature device being an extension of yourself.

Thoughts and comments welcome!

Note: Rooting or installing custom ROM on your smart phone will void its warranty, you've been warned!

Mahi Ve - Cover by Masala Coffee

6 Toxic Behaviors That Push People Away: How To Recognize Them In Yourself and Change Them

In my line of work, I hear from hundreds of people a month, and connect with professionals in a more public, open way than ever before. Through this experience, I've seen scores of toxic behaviors that push people away (including me). And I’ve witnessed the damage these behaviors cause – to relationships, professional success, and to the well-being of both the individual behaving negatively, and to everyone around him or her.

Let’s be real - we’ve all acted in toxic, damaging ways at one time or another (none of us are immune to it), but many people are more evolved, balanced, and aware, and it happens only rarely in their lives.

Whether your toxic behavior is a common occurrence, or once in a blue moon, it’s critical for your happiness and success that you are able to recognize when you’re behaving badly, and shift it when it emerges.

The 6 most toxic behaviors I see every day are:

Taking everything personally

In the powerful little book The Four Agreements, don Miguel Ruiz talks about the importance of taking nothing personally. I teach this in my coaching programs and my bookBreakdown, Breakthrough as well, and there is so much pushback. “Really, Kathy – don’t take anything personally?”

People are toxic to be around when they believe that everything that happens in life is a direct assault on them or is in some way all about them. The reality is that what people say and do to you is much more about them, than you. People’s reactions to you are about their filters, and their perspectives, wounds and experiences. Whether people think you’re amazing, or believe you’re the worst, again, it’s more about them. I’m not saying we should be narcissists and ignore all feedback. I am saying that so much hurt, disappointment and sadness in our lives comes from our taking things personally when it’s far more productive and healthy to let go of others’ good or bad opinion of you, and to operate with your own heart, intuition and wisdom as your guide. So yes – don’t take anything personally.

Obsessing about negative thoughts

It’s very hard to be around people who can’t or won’t let go of negativity – when they dwell on and speak incessantly about the terrible things that could happen and have happened, the slights they’ve suffered, and the unfairness of life. These people stubbornly refuse to see the positive side of life and the positive lessons from what’s transpiring. Pessimism is one thing – but remaining perpetually locked in negative thoughts is another. Only seeing the negative, and operating from a view that everything is negative and against you, is a skewed way of thinking and living, and you can change that.

Treating yourself like a victim

Another toxic behavior is non-stop complaining that fuels your sense of victimization. Believing you’re a victim, that you have no power to exert and no influence on the direction of your life, is a toxic stance that keeps you stuck and small. Working as a therapist with people who’ve suffered terrible trauma in their lives but found the courage to turn it all around, I know that we have access to far more power, authority, and influence over our lives than we initially believe. When you stop whining, and refuse to see yourself as a hapless victim of fate, chance or discrimination, then you’ll find that you are more powerful than you realized, but only if you choose to accept that reality.

Cruelty - lacking in empathy or putting yourself in others shoes

One of the most toxic and damaging behaviors – cruelty – stems from a total lack of empathy, concern or compassion for others. We see it every day online and in the media – people being devastatingly cruel and destructive to others just because they can. They tear people down online but in a cowardly way, using their anonymity as a weapon. Cruelty, backstabbing, and ripping someone to shreds is toxic, and it hurts you as well as your target.

I had a powerful learning experience about this a few years ago. I came into the house one day in a nasty mood, and shared a mean, sniping comment to my husband about the way a neighbor was parenting her child through one of his problem phases. In less than 24 hours, that very same issue the parent was dealing with came home to roost in my house, with my child. It was as if the Universe sent me the message that, “Ah, if you want to be cruel and demeaning about someone, we’ll give you the same experience you’ve judged so negatively, so you can learn some compassion.” And I did.

If you find yourself backstabbing and tearing someone else down, stop in your tracks. Dig deep and find compassion in your heart, and realize that we’re all the same.

Excessive reactivity

An inability to manage your emotions is toxic to everyone around you. We all know these people – men and women who explode over the smallest hiccup or problem. Yelling at the bank teller for the long line, screaming at your assistant for the power point error he made, or losing it with your child for spilling milk on the floor. If you find that you’re overly reactive, losing it at every turn, you need some outside assistance to help you gain control over your emotions and understand what’s at the root of your emotionality. There’s more to it that appears on the surface. An outside perspective – and a new kind of support – is critical.

Needing constant validation

Finally, people who constantly strive for validation and self-esteem by obsessing about achieving outward measures of success, are exhausting to be around. Those men and women who get caught up in the need to prove their worth over and over, and constantly want to “win” over their colleagues or peers, are toxic and draining.

Overly-attaching to how things have to look and be, and to achieving certain milestones and accomplishments rather than going with life in a more flexible, easy manner, can wear you out and bring everyone else around you down . There is a bigger picture to your life, and it’s not about what you achieve or fail at today. It’s about the journey, the process, the path - what you’re learning and applying, how you’re helping others, and the growing process you allow yourself to engage in.

Stop stressing over the particular outcomes like, “I need that promotion now!” or “My house has to be bigger and more beautiful than my neighbor’s.” Your desperate need to prove your success and build your self-esteem through outer measures of success is (sadly) apparent to everyone but you, and it’s pushing away the very happiness outcomes you’re longing for.