A Survivor’s Guide to Bullies, Backstabbers and Bastards

As I survey employees about their jobs, one thing most of us say is we’ve all worked for our share of terrible bosses.

Some of these managers are Bullies: Controlling, picky and petty. Some are Backstabbers: Taking credit for your work and undermining you at every turn. And others are just plain Bastards: Mean, vindictive, conniving.

And, if we are lucky, we get all three in one package like my worst boss Voldemort (not his real name). A kindly grandfather-type before we began working together, he quickly became a dictator after his appointment over me—removing people who had worked for me for years without my input, taking huge expenses from other operating areas and putting them into my P&L, storming into my employees’ offices and screaming at them if they didn’t do his insane bidding. One morning at a private breakfast meeting, as I attempted to explain my frustration, he nixed any further discussion. I remember wondering what prison sentence I would have to serve if I stuck a fork in his eye.

Maybe you have had this

Now, to be fair, some of these folks are insecure because they are in over their heads, others have never been taught proper interpersonal and managerial skills, and some believe their harsh behavior is not only accepted but encouraged in the business world.

More often, unfortunately, these folks are just bad to the bone.

Over the last 30 years I have collected more than a few horror stories of such bosses, and a few strategies to survive the evildoers above us. First…

Don’t Lose It. If these jerks can get you to lose your temper they win. And they know it. No matter how tempted you may be to fork-stab your boss, don’t lose your cool. The irony: You will go to prison and he will become a beloved martyr. Take a deep breath and live to fight another day. As the Brits say, keep a “Stiff upper lip.”

Talk it Out. Never, ever go to war in public with a bad boss. In private, have a calm conversation with your boss about the type of direction you need, how you best react to feedback, etc. Be polite, positive, and focus on how you can do your best work. Telling the boss he makes Stalin look like a sissy will just create an enemy. This discussion may not solve your problems, but it’s a must-try first step.

Don’t Complain Up. Unless a boss’s behavior strays into harassing territory—when you’ve got to tell HR or the big boss—realize that if you get into a pissing match with your boss you will lose. These guys are survivors. And avoid the temptation to sit around in the break room venting with your coworkers. There are no secrets in a corporation. The odds of your bad-mouthing getting back to your boss are just about 100 percent. In the end, you’ll just earn a reputation as a “high maintenance complainer” who no other managers will want on their team.

Confide to an Outsider. Find a trusted confidant outside the company who you can talk to about the problem, either a family member, friend, mentor, religious leader, or therapist. If you let the problem fester it will drive you to anxiety and perhaps even depression, which will adversely affect your life not only inside but outside of work too.

Don’t Lose Confidence. Sad, but many bad bosses derive a sense of twisted satisfaction when they force you to doubt yourself and your abilities. To this end, they’ll pit their people against each other, yell or threaten, look down their noses at you, and let you know who’s really in charge. It is a power trip. To block the bad energy, buoy yourself. When I was working for Voldemort, I left a desperate voice mail message to an old colleague and asked him to tell me that I was great. His genuine email came a few hours later. He said, “You are not Chester, you are Spartacus.” Then he told me all the ways I was talented. It made me laugh and tear up a little. It got me through that day and many more as I read and re-read it.

Realize You Won’t Change Them. It is only once in a blue moon when bad managers change, and it’s typically only after harsh intervention from those above them, not below. So don’t expect them to suddenly become more touchy-feely or “get” you. If you are going to stay working for them, you need to make peace with your situation and find fulfillment elsewhere in your life.

Get Out of Dodge. There are times when, for the sake of those you love and for your own sanity, you have to transfer to another department or leave the company entirely. Do so on good terms (you may want to come back one day after the boss has been led from the building in shackles). Find a place to land before you bolt.

Move On. The best revenge is to live well. Take solace in the fact that when you wake up in the morning you are a good person. Forgive them their errors, and don’t spend a minute more thinking about them. Enjoy your life and your family.

Admittedly I broke every one of these principles during my working career, but this is the advice I give now to those I counsel with, and I think it can help save a lot of heartache and pain.

Let me know how you’ve survived a Bully, Backstabber or Bastard. Your advice may be the inspiration someone out there needs to feel just like Spartacus.

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